Finding Center

My mother's fear was that I would never be satisfied.  Today would have been her 72nd birthday (happy birthday mom). And, here I sit missing her and wondering if I can find contentment.  I'm 30 pounds over weight because I've been squashing my true feelings over the last 2.5 years if not longer with food.  Growing up I was never allowed to find myself and be me. I had to be "perfect". I had to do the right things - stay out of trouble, be seen and not heard, do what I'm told, etc.  I think after college and moving to Chicago I was making decisions for myself, but still trying to prove myself to my family. This feeling that I am not good enough has never left me. Now that I'm 44 I'm wondering I'm wondering if I'm enough. And, if so who am I really.  What is going to happen if I slow down and actually feel my feelings instead of drowning out my feelings. Will I come happier, healthier, stronger. I have no idea, but I got to figure this out as I&#

 I think I was born a pessimist. I've always seen the glass half empty. What I hope is the half way point in life I'm trying to change that . I want to focus on the happy moments and learn from the difficult instead of dwelling on the negative and the what ifs. Is it possible to meditate my way into this? Time will tell. Meditation calls. 

 I like many people gained weight during COVID. Twenty pounds to be exact.  I started COVID 10 pounds over my normal weight - I was still trying to lose my last 10 pounds of "baby weight". Not sure I could still count it as baby weight as my baby had just turned 7 a couple of months prior to the start of lockdown.  So, here I am 30 pounds over my normal weight and feeling it.  I know the number on the scale isn't the only thing that matters, but I also feel heavy. I feel like a rock at the bottom of the ocean with no way up. Even if the scale doesn't budge I want to feel light again. Have energy again. I grew up dancing which meant my dance teachers talked about diet and size a lot. You wanted to look like everyone else so you could fit the part. I never did anything crazy to manage my size. I danced a lot so I could eat what I wanted too, but I still felt fat at times. What girl didn't who grew up in the 90's when diet culture was all the rage. Anyway.... As

 Good morning. Once upon I wrote a blog about running my third marathon. That was 2006 which seems like a lifetime ago at this point. I trained with my then boyfriend now husband - he proposed at the finish line. Since then we moved from Chicago to Nashville. Got a second dog. Bought a house. Had two kids. Said good-bye to Scooter, our rescued beagle. Moved to a new house. Said good-by to Baxter, our rescued basset. Got a cat - never in a million years thought I would be a cat mom, but we love Leo, our grey tabby. Then March 2020 happened. As you know the world shut down.  Two and half years later here we are. During COVID I almost lost my child during the first month of lockdown - he is now thriving. I'm a healthcare worker at a major medical center so I was lucky that I didn't lose my job during the pandemic, but that also meant I was at the hospital while my children were stuck at home in lockdown and doing virtual school.. The first quarter of the 2020 school year we were i